


i'm still here, but all is lost

by aromanticpicard



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, C2 Episode 26 spoilers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, cw for drinking and emetophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aromanticpicard/pseuds/aromanticpicard
Summary: alone, in the snow, a small party grieves.





	i'm still here, but all is lost

**Author's Note:**

> hi I'm still super sad and stressed out about episode 26 so I had to write a little bit; I wrote this all in one go so if there's any errors or inconsistencies I'm sorry in advance!
> 
> title is from "cry for judas" by the mountain goats!

Nott is so, so cold. The snow landing on her arms quickly soaks through her bandages, and her whole body still feels frozen and numb from the spell Lorenzo had cast. And, of course, there’s the shock. She’s shaking badly, her hands trembling almost too much to lift her flask to her mouth. But she does, and she takes a swig, thankful for the burning sensation. She sits down, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

(She tries not to think about the likelihood that Jester and Yasha and Fjord were in one of those cages, _right there_ , tries to ignore the little part of her brain that keeps telling her _you could have rescued them, you could have gotten them out, if you had been faster, more talented, maybe then Molly would still be alive —_

She tries to forget the frozen man she saw in one of the cages, tries to ignore the possibility that the others have met the same fate.)

And so she drinks. She drinks and drinks until the world is spinning and she thinks the dampness on her face is tears as well as snow, but she isn’t quite sure.

Nott awakens several hours later with a splitting headache. Once she regains consciousness, one of the first things she notices is that she isn’t cold anymore. Slowly opening her eyes, she realizes that she is lying in Caleb’s lap, his arms loosely around her and his scarf wrapped around her arms and shoulders. She opens her mouth to say something to him, but when she looks up, his eyes have that familiar, glazed-over look. She figures it’s going to be a while until Caleb is in any fit state to talk, and she can’t blame him.

 

Beau lashes out with her staff, hitting the fallen trees, the bushes, anything inanimate that will break under her blows. There is fire in her muscles, in her blood, as she strikes out indiscriminately.

She’s furious at Lorenzo _(you fucking monster, you fucking killed him)_ , at herself _(why weren’t you quicker, more accurate? why weren’t you able to protect him? you had a chance, how could you blow it like that?)_ , even at Molly himself _(why did you just fucking run at Lorenzo and do that? you must have known how badly hurt you already were, why did you put yourself in harm’s way?)_.

But being angry is exhausting. As her staff misses and strikes the ground, forcefully jarring her, she looks down at herself, notices her wounds and the blood staining her clothes, and all the fight fades from her. She looks around, takes in the state of their little party. Keg is sitting by the side of the road, head in her hands, clearly still in shock. Caleb sits, unmoving, a short distance away, holding an unconscious Nott. And there, off to the side, is the one thing Beau’s been actively avoiding looking at - Molly’s dead body, covered by the tapestry that Caleb and Keg had laid over him until they had the energy to actually move him.

Beau suddenly feels very, very tired and very, _very_ nauseous. Turning away from the others, she falls to her knees and is sick until there is nothing left in her stomach. Standing up again, she wipes her mouth and stumbles over towards Caleb and Nott. She sits down a few feet away, pulls her (still bloodstained) cloak tighter around herself, and lets her body become a heavy weight, anchored to the ground by sheer exhaustion.

They still have Molly’s body to decide what to do with and three friends to rescue. But for now the little group rest - broken, fatigued, and grieving.


End file.
